I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
