So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
