I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
