i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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