Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
