Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
