I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
