I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
