Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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