i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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