not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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