You're my little dorito
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
