My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
