i love accidental penises.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
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