His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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