dude i'm inner monologue high
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
