She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
