why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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