I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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