I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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