I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
