I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
