So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
