why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
