i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
