very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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