Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
