My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
