then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
