people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Randomize
