she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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