worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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