Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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