i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
