During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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