just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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