Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
