New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
