I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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