Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I am available for nakedness
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
