shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
