She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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