walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
