How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
