i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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