I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
