If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
