i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
