yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
