I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
