I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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